KB Cutter is a class act, and a very talented writer. No joke.
We're only beginning to see the tip of his abilities, and, hopefully, he'll lean in closer to the bus depot urinal so we don't see too much more it.
It's truly my honor to have KB here today. I consider him a superb writer, author, gentleman, and most of all… friend.
He also appreciates a good-looking lawn mower.
Many thanks to David for allowing me to blog today. I'd like to chat about character POV. In writing terms, Point Of View refers to the -
"Uhm… Can I help you? I am in the middle of blog post."
"Yeah . . . a right boring one. Can you say SNORE? You might as well call yourself K.B. NyQuil. You're gonna put everyone to sleep."
"Hold on one damn minute! I just got started. How do you know I'm going to bore people to death and who the hell are you?"
"Listen, Hemmingway, I'm your Muse, okay? I mean, who in their right mind would envision their creative inner essence clothed in knee-high black leather boots, studded leather bustier and name them Esmeralda?
"Well . . . I . . . uh . . ."
"Very articulate. Don't get me started on the pink flogger."
"Sorry folks. Bit of a technical glitch. Moving right along, P.O.V is –
-Head-bang on wall-
"Sorry, K.B. that ain't gonna help, unless you want to hang a picture."
"This is embarrassing. What is it going to take for you to leave, Ms. Muse?"
"Hey, look, if you want me to beat feet, fine. Then, what are you gonna do, huh? I'm the creative mojo that got you published. Or I can go on auto pilot. Make you crank out Lifetime movie-of-week-crap. I can see it now: Summer Beach Love: Men Suck by K.B. Cutter. Starring Tori Spelling and Shannon Doherty.
"I think I'm going to vomit . . ."
"Whoa, dude, don’t hurl chunks yet. I'm hep to how you were fretting about this blog post. I know you wanted to discuss character Point of View. I can dig where your writer's mind is at. Hell, I live it, Daddy-O. I'm here to help."
-Reaches for Pepto Bismal-
"Forget the over-the counter stuff, KBC. Go make yourself some peppermint tea and dry toast. Throw on your pink chiffon robe with matching bunny slippers. Get comfy, OK?"
"Uh. Erm. They were a gift. I mean, its rude not to wear them."
"Sure thing, whatever you say. Now, hear me out. I'm spitballin' here, I'll white-board the details later. So, as a writer, you want to get inside the head of your characters, dig? Both male and female. What do you do? You read other books, blogs and what-have-you. Ask other writer's for advice. Join a writing workshop, blah-blah-blah. Very time consuming. I have the solution to all that ancillary research, its----"
"Now I know why biker's wear leather, cause this chiffon stuff wrinkles. Does the color pink make me look fat?"
"No K.B., just your head, listen up and don’t interrupt. You are male and heterosexual, correct?"
"Flammingly hetero, Esmeralda."
"Oh, you got the flaming part down, alleged- Mister Cutter. My point is, when you want to get deep into a female character's P.O.V, you have to a bit of mental legwork. Not anymore, sir, my solution . . . drum-roll please . . .
Ack . . . gurgle . . . sputter . . .
While K.B. is spewing Celestial Seasonings all over himself, I'll continue. Here you are, hunkering down to get all feminine with your female character, simply pop off the penis and slap on the vagina. Easy-Peasy. Not only can you totally immerse yourself in all things womanly, you can now stop and openly ask for directions at a gas station and cry your eyes out when Julia Roberts dies in Steel Magnolias. Conversely, when you want to get all mano a-mano, screw the penis back, which is also useful for parallel parking the car and leaving the toilet seat lid up."
"Wow . . . I don’t know what to say."
"I hear you, Mr. Writer man. You're speechless at my ingenuity."
"Um, yeah, ingenuity, that's it. Stupid me, I thought if the writer invests themselves honestly, one hundred percent, in their characters, staying true to them emotionally and intellectually, they would resonate with the readers. All of the so-called ancillary research would pay off."
O-M-G! B-o-r-i-n-g! If you want to be all twenty century, doing it the old-fashioned way, be my guest."
"I'm old school, Esmeralda, however, thank you for that enlightening idea."
"No worries, sir, that's my job. Speaking of which, I need some time off. This constant harassing of my creative Ju-Ju is wearing me out. I think there was a little war fought about this indentured worker thing-a-ma-bob? In addition, I need to get out of this bustier. I can hardly breathe. And these boots. The spiked heels are killing me. How about some Egyptian cotton, sensible shoes and normal working hours . . . say noon to three?"
"I'll take it under advisement."
"Don’t screw with me, K.B. or its Beach Blanket Passion, starring Meredith Baxter-Birney and Amanda Bearse."
"Oh dear God no! Okay, Okay, deal, anything but that! Now where did I leave the Pepto Bismal . . .
Thanks again to David, a true gentleman for being brave and gracious to host not only me, but my eclectic Muse, Esmeralda.
I'd like to offer a free copy of Summer Heat and its sequel: Love, Revisited to a random commentator as a small token of thanks (and apologies for Esmeralda)